deja vu and seeing hope

To those that actually read this, I am truly sorry for not writing in nearly two and a half months. As horrible of an excuse as it is, my life has gotten crazy. My life has been turned upside down. Well, not literally but metaphorically. At the beginning of this semester, I was stressed but doing well. Sure, I didn't have everything figured out but I knew sort of what I was going to be doing for the next year or two. I even had been thinking about long term plans (very loose version of "plan"). I had finally found a major that I was passionate about even if meant having to transfer schools in the future. I had found a place to live with amazing girls and even figured out how to pay the bills when finances got tight. My relationships with my friends, my sorority little sisters, my family, and God were going good. I was purposefully pursuing my friends. Everything was going great. Then, I got thrown a curveball. The plans that I had once again got knocked to the ground. It felt like I was having a repeat of my high school medical saga.

My sophomore year of high school, I got really sick and couldn't go to school. I spent my days sitting on the couch watching movies or reading books, just trying to get my mind of the pain. I went to doctor after doctor, hoping that one of them would diagnose me and get me better. And doctor after doctor had no idea what I had. Because I couldn't get to school because my pain was so bad, I was homebound and finished the fall semester by doing the bare minimum for each class through a tutor that came to the house. Finally right before Christmas, a doctor diagnosed me with Celiac Disease. That New Years was the first gluten-free holiday for me. I ended up having to withdraw from school in the Spring because my immune system was completely shot and I was catching every cold that I was exposed to. You would think that would be enough and I could go back to being a regular high school student. But nope. I got sick again my junior year. This time, I was able to stay in school but it was really tough going through it.

The last week of October (2010), was when my world got flipped. I suddenly went from walking three - four miles a day to not being able to walk for two minutes without getting out of breath, and just completely and utterly exhausted. At first, I tried to just tough it out. That worked for about a week. Then the insomnia came along with my constant hunger and extreme mood swings. After that, I went to the doctor. Unfortunately he didn't know what was wrong with me but just did a lot of blood tests. To me, it felt like high school all over again, once again in the pit of despair.

Last Friday, I was finally diagnosed with Graves Disease. I'm not going to go into detail about what it is. I'll let you read about that if you choose to. Graves Disease is an autoimmune disorder where the immune system attacks the thyroid causing hyperthyroidism (too much thyroid hormone in the body).

I'm not well yet. I'm still a hyper insomniac who eats all the time. But I have hope, even if its not much at this point. I've noticed that it's really difficult to write about seeing God working in my life when I can't see past the huge mess of my medical issues. Earlier in the semester at the Annex, Bill talked about how God is painting color in our bland black,gray,and white lives; how God is painting hope in our bleak, drama-filled lives. I'm not going to lie, I'm going to be real. I've had a hard time seeing that color. There are days, that I don't want to do anything but mope about my house. And yet God keeps painting more color into my life through friends, Bible verses, songs, and so many other things. Even the fact that I have the focus to write this blog post is a blessing right now. From this point on, I'm going to look for the color, I'm going to focus on the positives and not the negatives, I'm going to look at the glass half full instead of half empty, I'm going to focus on the fact that God has been with me even in this dark time in my life.

May you see the color that God is painting in your life. May you choose to be a woman or man that doesn't drag their friends down with them but instead encourages them and brings light into their lives. May you always know that God will never, ever leave you. He'll be there painting hope into your life.

"In the same way I was with Moses, I'll be with you. I won't give up on you; I won't leave you." ~ Joshua 1:5 (The Message)

"Strength! Courage! Don't be timid; don't get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take." ~ Joshua 1:9 (The Message)

a tribute to one of my best friends

My little sister graduates from high school tomorrow. I can't believe that she's done with high school and is going to be leaving for college in just a few short months. Now normally I have a format for each post but this one is going to be different. This one is a tribute to my beautiful little sister.

BJ, I don't really remember when you were born, most of my memories of when you were really young are from pictures. You were without a doubt one of the most rollypolly babies I've ever seen. Even when you were four and five, you still had a lot of baby fat. In my little seven year old brain, I was positive  that you were going to be rolly polly BJ for the rest of your life. I couldn't have been more wrong. :)

Some of my greatest memories growing up are playing with you - although there are a good number of memories when you were just the annoying little one. Things like playing barbies until way past our bedtime and making giant Lego houses that took up five of the large Lego boards. Or working on our "river" by the swing, making it a little better each summer. Staying up all night just talking about life and boys and how tired we were.

I've seen you transform from when you were the shy, quiet girl that started your first day ever of school outside of homeschooling to the confident, silly, accomplished young woman that you are today. When everyone else saw the "invisible" girl mask that you wore, I got to see glimpses of the silliness that was hidden inside. The last four years have been an amazing journey with you. I'm so proud of you and I brag about you all the time - you can ask any one of my friends. Your talent with writing and ceramics makes me speechless and I can't wait to see what you do in college. One of the greatest things is seeing your relationship with Jesus grow. It is such a blessing to be here to encourage you, keep you accountable, and completely love you as not only a blood sister but an eternal sister. Remember BJ, you are the daughter of The King, which makes you a princess forever. You no longer have to dream about it, you are a true princess with a beauty that is not just an outside beauty but an inner beauty as well.  Jesus is the one who you can depend on always, he will never let you fall. Pour your heart out to him, give him your all, little one, and he will use you to do great things. I can't wait to see where he takes you on this journey of life.

Your hard work and dedication have paid off, little sister. You graduate tomorrow as the outstanding senior in the Art Department, a valedictorian with a GPA above 4.0, and several really great scholarships to the school of your dreams. I want you to know that no matter what you do or don't do in college, I will always love you and be here for you. Even when distance separates us, I am only a phone call away.


"The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength."
                                                        ~ Deuteronomy 6:4-5

Jesus, I lift up my little sister to you; use her for your glory. I pray that she will learn what it means to completely surrender everything to you; to depend on you always, not just when its easy but each and every day. Help her to be a reflection of you, give her the love to treat everyone with love.