deja vu and seeing hope

To those that actually read this, I am truly sorry for not writing in nearly two and a half months. As horrible of an excuse as it is, my life has gotten crazy. My life has been turned upside down. Well, not literally but metaphorically. At the beginning of this semester, I was stressed but doing well. Sure, I didn't have everything figured out but I knew sort of what I was going to be doing for the next year or two. I even had been thinking about long term plans (very loose version of "plan"). I had finally found a major that I was passionate about even if meant having to transfer schools in the future. I had found a place to live with amazing girls and even figured out how to pay the bills when finances got tight. My relationships with my friends, my sorority little sisters, my family, and God were going good. I was purposefully pursuing my friends. Everything was going great. Then, I got thrown a curveball. The plans that I had once again got knocked to the ground. It felt like I was having a repeat of my high school medical saga.

My sophomore year of high school, I got really sick and couldn't go to school. I spent my days sitting on the couch watching movies or reading books, just trying to get my mind of the pain. I went to doctor after doctor, hoping that one of them would diagnose me and get me better. And doctor after doctor had no idea what I had. Because I couldn't get to school because my pain was so bad, I was homebound and finished the fall semester by doing the bare minimum for each class through a tutor that came to the house. Finally right before Christmas, a doctor diagnosed me with Celiac Disease. That New Years was the first gluten-free holiday for me. I ended up having to withdraw from school in the Spring because my immune system was completely shot and I was catching every cold that I was exposed to. You would think that would be enough and I could go back to being a regular high school student. But nope. I got sick again my junior year. This time, I was able to stay in school but it was really tough going through it.

The last week of October (2010), was when my world got flipped. I suddenly went from walking three - four miles a day to not being able to walk for two minutes without getting out of breath, and just completely and utterly exhausted. At first, I tried to just tough it out. That worked for about a week. Then the insomnia came along with my constant hunger and extreme mood swings. After that, I went to the doctor. Unfortunately he didn't know what was wrong with me but just did a lot of blood tests. To me, it felt like high school all over again, once again in the pit of despair.

Last Friday, I was finally diagnosed with Graves Disease. I'm not going to go into detail about what it is. I'll let you read about that if you choose to. Graves Disease is an autoimmune disorder where the immune system attacks the thyroid causing hyperthyroidism (too much thyroid hormone in the body).

I'm not well yet. I'm still a hyper insomniac who eats all the time. But I have hope, even if its not much at this point. I've noticed that it's really difficult to write about seeing God working in my life when I can't see past the huge mess of my medical issues. Earlier in the semester at the Annex, Bill talked about how God is painting color in our bland black,gray,and white lives; how God is painting hope in our bleak, drama-filled lives. I'm not going to lie, I'm going to be real. I've had a hard time seeing that color. There are days, that I don't want to do anything but mope about my house. And yet God keeps painting more color into my life through friends, Bible verses, songs, and so many other things. Even the fact that I have the focus to write this blog post is a blessing right now. From this point on, I'm going to look for the color, I'm going to focus on the positives and not the negatives, I'm going to look at the glass half full instead of half empty, I'm going to focus on the fact that God has been with me even in this dark time in my life.

May you see the color that God is painting in your life. May you choose to be a woman or man that doesn't drag their friends down with them but instead encourages them and brings light into their lives. May you always know that God will never, ever leave you. He'll be there painting hope into your life.

"In the same way I was with Moses, I'll be with you. I won't give up on you; I won't leave you." ~ Joshua 1:5 (The Message)

"Strength! Courage! Don't be timid; don't get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take." ~ Joshua 1:9 (The Message)

dining halls and acceptance

CU just opened a new dining hall called, the Center for Community or C4C for short. Just as all new things gain popularity for their novelty, it has become the popular place to eat; and for good reason. Unlike all the other dining halls, C4C has many different food options from Italian, to Persian, to Asian and that's just the start of what they offer. They also offer one other addition, people. Hoards of people all wanting to eat at the NEW dining hall with more options and debatably better food. Whether good or bad, it makes for a crowded and noisy mealtime during the peak hours.

So a couple weeks ago, instead of rushing over to the C4C for lunch, my friend and I ventured to Libby, the former 2nd best dining hall on campus. It was very much the opposite of the C4C. Instead of lines of loud, rambunctious people and the noises of the employees drowned out by the happy chatter of students, there was the low hum of the dining hall employees going about their duties and the very quiet clatter of dishes interspersed with very quiet talking. Libby, especially when compared to last year, was deserted; unwanted.

Have you ever felt unwanted? Like nobody could ever love you? Like nobody would ever want to spend time just being WITH YOU? I have. I've even felt that way more than once! Maybe its a situation where you've felt traded in for a new best friend or new boyfriend or girlfriend. Or maybe you are ashamed of something you did and because of that nobody would ever want you. Or maybe its a situation completely unlike either one of those.

But that is NEVER the case. There is someone who wants to be WITH YOU; who wants you just as you are, not the newest and latest edition; who loves you no matter what you may have done. 


In Revelation 3:20 Jesus says, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." He's there, waiting at your heart's door wanting to come in and make your life better to take your pain and heal your wounds of rejection and unworthiness, to fill the emptiness in your heart with joy, and to fill your heart so full with love that it spills over onto others.


One of the pieces that Dana, ADX's devotional chair, shared with us (ADX) goes right along with this:

"I know you through and through. I know everything about you. The very hairs of your head I have numbered. Nothing in your life is unimportant to Me. I have followed you through the years, and I have always loved you – even in your wanderings. I know every one of your problems. I know your needs and your worries. And yes, I know all your sins. But I tell you again that I love you – not for what you have or haven’t done – I love you for you, for the beauty and dignity My Father gave you by creating you in His own image.

I know what is in your heart – I know your loneliness and all your hurts – the rejections, the judgments, the humiliations, I carried it all before you. And I carried it all for you, so you might share My strength and victory. I know especially your need for love – how you are thirsting to be loved and cherished. But how often have you thirsted in vain, by seeking that love selfishly, striving to fill the emptiness inside you with passing pleasures – with the even greater emptiness of sin. Do you thirst for love? "Come to Me all you who thirst…" (Jn. 7: 37). I will satisfy you and fill you. Do you thirst to be cherished? I cherish you more than you can imagine – to the point of dying on a cross for you."

God, I'm answering my heart's door. I choose to invite you in, to be cherished, to be loved, and to be healed. That is my desire: to be with you just as you desire to be with me. Thank you for loving me, every part of me including the ugly parts.

busyness and restoration

I don't know how many people read this. But I want to apologize for not writing for almost a month now. This semester started off super duper crazy, busy, and stressful. I know that's a horrible reason for not keeping up with this but it will have to be good enough because that's all I got. Once I get my life organized and calmed down, I will post again. (I have plenty of ideas running around in my head, I just haven't had the time to put them down on "paper.")

Have you ever heard the saying that Satan gave us busyness to keep us from growing in our relationships with God? That is sooo true. Right now with everything else in my life screaming for attention, God's quiet whisper is easily drowned out. Last night at the Annex, Jennie talked about being a person filled with the Holy Spirit and how our lives should look different once we accept Jesus as our Savior. In her talk, she mentioned two obstacles that get in the way of being completely changed with the Spirit in our lives: comfort and volume.

Answer this question, do you ever multitask? I would guess that nearly every single person has multitasked at some point in their life, especially if you live in the United States and are just the least bit tech savvy. Jennie asked when was the last time you had a long, deep conversation with a friend without any interruptions - no friends barging in, no texting, no answering phone calls, no checking your email; just you and your friend. In today's technology-frenzied world, our lives are so full of things that if we don't multitask, we can't get everything done. Our lives are so loud - with to-do lists, homework assignments, reading assignments, projects, text messages to respond to, Facebook pictures to look through, Youtube videos to watch, and so many other things - that we completely tune out the still quiet whisper of God. All He wants is to spend time with you, to grow in a relationship with you, to heal your pain whether physical or emotional, to be the one that you eagerly turn to when something spectacular happens, to be the one that you turn to when you are sure that life couldn't get any worse. He is there waiting for you to hear Him, to turn off all the rest of the noises and just be with Him.

"Be still and know that I am God." ~ Psalm 46:10

"He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." ~ Psalm 23:2-3

God, I want to be filled with your Spirit. I desire to have my life be different from when I first accepted you into my life. Help me to quiet my life so I can hear you whispering, leading me beside quiet waters and restoring my soul.