So long Prince Charming

This is my declaration.

I do not want Prince Charming.
I do not want to be rescued,
or found.
I do not want to be admired, fawned over, praised,
or respected for my extraordinary beauty.
I do not want to hear how I am already beautiful
even though I don't have the right curves, right clothing, right skin, or right BMI.


Because Prince Charming implies
that I must be the princess of the fairy tale.
Because being rescued implies
that I was in harm's path.
Because being found implies
that I was lost.
Because being admired for my beauty implies
that I am my looks.
Because saying that I'm beautiful despite my lack of rightness implies
that there is a standard of beauty.


I am not the fairy tale princess.
(I do more than sleep, sing, and look pretty)
I am not in harm's path.
(I am also capable of getting out of harm's way if by chance I ever am)
I am not lost.
(I am taking the scenic route)
I am not my looks.
(I am a fully embodied human)
I am not less than a standard.
(I am me)


So, don't tell me how hot I am.
Don't tell me how sexy my body is.
Don't tell me that I'm the princess.
Don't tell me that you're Prince Charming.
Don't tell me.

Because I'm not gonna be listening.



** Edited on 13 March 2014: picture and formatting added**

a people break and being human

We are meant for relationships. We are not meant to be islands of independence.

Being created in the image of God inherently means that we are relational.

What I'm realizing is that this means that I cannot simply be a lean, mean machine moving between school and sleep. I need others, I need community.

More than any amount of bucket-listing, I need time with people.

And so, until my time as a nomad is finished, I am putting the list to the side. Instead, I am focusing on nourishing my soul with God and with others.

highways, love, and dreams

My little sister is engaged.


and instead of celebrating with her, I'm crying at my own singleness.

and I hate myself for it.

I feel like the only one of my friends who is not in a relationship. Yet my logical side tells me that my feelings are lying to me.

I want to be in a relationship. And yet as I write those words, I feel shame because I think that means I'm not enjoying my period of singleness like I've been reminded to do by pastors, married women, and once-married women alike.

I hope to be married in the next five to ten years. Yet I think I am afraid of commitment.

Somewhere in the craziness of driving on the road called Life - going to college and making great memories and dealing with horrible illnesses and falling in love with Jesus - I seem to have spaced on what turnoff I was wanting to take. I feel like I just discovered that the road that I wanted to go on at some point in the future is nowhere to be found now. I've taken so many other great roads that have led me on a journey to this incredible city of Seattle, so why am I so attached to this one path?


If life is a highway as Tom Cochrane so eloquently put it, then I think I missed the turnoff that leads to a romantic relationship.

If life is a highway, then I've traveled down roads of medical issues that aren't supposed to be driven at the age of twenty-one.

If life is a highway, then I've found a way to drive slowly on the road of college.

If life is a highway, then I think I went off-roading.


I have to believe that I haven't missed the road for a relationship. I have to believe that it is somewhere in my future travels.

I have to learn to be okay with the fact that I may be exploring and off of the main road for a while. For whatever reason, it's not time for me to take the road to relationship. If only my heart would remember that life is not stagnant.

I am on a journey and every day brings something new.

Someday, Jesus will let me know that it's time to turn onto that road to relationship. But that day is not today. I have to wait and trust that the One who carried me through my desert storm has my itinerary and will be with me every step of the way.

Today, I choose to let Jesus drive. 
Today, I choose to sit back and relax and just enjoy the road trip. 
Today, I choose to see the beauty on the road that I am on. 
Today, I choose to not worry about the itinerary. 
Jesus doesn't need my help in navigating so,
today, I choose to let him take me on an adventure.

Real Community

I normally have a specific format for this blog and don't ever just give a shout out to another blog. However I feel that sometimes its important to break a "rule" for the better of everyone here. So here it is!

The blog is called Real Community and the purpose of it is to encourage, "people to come together to glorify God through community. We want to address the false idea that people have to go through life by themselves. We want to come alongside people in their struggles and use that to deepen our relationship with Christ." I really encourage each of you to take a look at it.

God, I just want to lift up Real Community and the bloggers who write on it. Use them to cause a revolution of what being a Christ-follower looks like, to form a worldwide community full of real people who don't have everything figured out.

seeing and acceptance

So I'm going to share some really personal details about my romantic relationships (love life, boys, any other similar term) or lack thereof. I have had one boyfriend. That's it. I've never had any friends with benefits, or one night stands or made out with a random stranger or anything else that is like that. That's not to say that I haven't had my fair share of crushes. :) Honestly, most of the time, I am completely okay with being the single gal. Sometimes though, it can be hard.

Recently, I've seen a good number of my friends start dating, either another friend or somebody else. And even though I am super happy for each of them, at the same time it brings up a lot of my issues of self-worth. Sometimes all I want is for one solid, fantastic man to see me for all that I am and realize that I am perfect for him, just the way I am. Then tonight, I was thinking about that and I realized something.

There is somebody who sees me and wants me just as I am. In the first chapter of John, verse 47 and 48 the author (John) writes about when Jesus calls Philip and Nathanael. Listen to this, "When Jesus saw Nathanael approaching, he said of him, 'Here truly is an Israelite in whom there is no deceit.' 'How do you know me?' Nathanael asked. Jesus answered, 'I saw you while you were still under the fig tree before Philip called you.'" At first glance, this may seem like its not a big deal, however if we skip over it, we miss something important. My bible study leader, J, put it this way. When Jesus said to Nathanael "I saw you while you were still under the fig tree," its like he's saying, "I see you. I know every little thing that you do, especially the little things that nobody else notices. I appreciate you for those things. I accept you just as I see you."

He's saying that to you and me right now. He wants us to come to him when we're hurting, when we're scared, when we're feeling under-appreciated, when we are feeling alone, when we feel like nobody understands us, when it seems like our world is falling apart, when we've met someone special, when we are wanting to be loved for who we are, when we want to be seen. 

[your name here] said, "Where did you get that idea? You don't know me."

Jesus answered, "One day, long before Philip called you here, I saw you under the fig tree." ~ John 1:48 The Message (Emphasis added by blogger)

blogs and fire

My sister and I were talking about blogs this last weekend. She started her blog last fall and that was part of the reason why I started this blog. She mentioned that most blogs "die" very soon after they are created. So I did some research and found out that 60 - 80% of blogs are abandoned within a month after their creation and that 66% of all blogs are abandoned. Another interesting fact I found was that the oldest running blog, Scripting News by Dave Winer, was created in 1997.

Why do I bring this up? Because I think bloggers and their blogs is an analogy for Christians and their relationship with Christ. How many times have you talked with someone who has just become a Christian and they are on fire for God. They are so enthusiastic about everything, sharing it with others, bible studys, going to church, having quiet times with God, you name it, they are right there with as much energy as a Labrador retriever puppy when he (or she) meets new people. Then maybe school becomes super stressful and their family starts having issues, and it seems like everything in life that could go wrong is going wrong and slowly their intense passion starts to fade and maybe instead of reading the Bible every night it becomes every other night. And every other night becomes two nights a week and then its drops to once a week and soon the fire is a pile of coals just barely warm. Isn't that similar to when you first get your blog? Everything you think about, everything that you encounter, you go through it all with a filter of how you could blog about it and so you post frequently. Yet the same thing that happened with the Christian happens with blogging, school and family and friends and volunteering and everything else starts to crowd in and soon you're blogging less and less until finally one day you realize that you're no longer blogging.

I think that is where I am right now in my relationship with God. I sort of had this relationship high about a year ago when I was pledging ADX and I've been coming off of that this school year. How do you find a balance between being like a super hot roaring fire and being a pile of coals? I know it doesn't make sense to be that super hot fire all the time just like being a pile of coals is basically like not being a fire at all, but I don't know how to find the happy medium. God, teach me what that middle point looks like. Show me what it means to be a fire for you.