A reflection on I AM

This week at church, we are starting a new series on Revelation. At the service tonight, Pastor Blake asked us to reflect on the first chapter (which I've included below) and to listen to what the Spirit was highlighting and drawing our attention to. This is what came from that time.


I AM who was, is, and is coming.

I AM the Human One.
I AM the one who loves you.
I AM the warrior who has freed you.
I AM passion and peace, fire and water.

Do not fear, for I AM
with you forever and always.

You are no longer like a dead woman.
In me, you are alive: you have life.
So do not be afraid.

I have looked fear in the face.
Look, I am alive - fear did not win!
I have the keys of Death and the Grave.
Do not be afraid.

Listen to my voice of peace:
I am the one who was, and is, and is to come.

Revelation 1**

A revelation of Jesus Christ, which God gave him to show his servants what must soon take place. Christ made it known by sending it through his angel to his servant John, 2 who bore witness to the word of God and to the witness of Jesus Christ, including all that John saw. 3 Favored is the one who reads the words of this prophecy out loud, and favored are those who listen to it being read, and keep what is written in it, for the time is near.

4 John, to the seven churches that are in Asia:
Grace and peace to you from the one who is and was and is coming, and from the seven spirits that are before God’s throne,5 and from Jesus Christ—the faithful witness, the firstborn from among the dead, and the ruler of the kings of the earth.
To the one who loves us and freed us from our sins by his blood, 6 who made us a kingdom, priests to his God and Father—to him be glory and power forever and always. Amen.

7 Look, he is coming with the clouds! Every eye will see him, including those who pierced him, and all the tribes of the earth will mourn because of him. This is so. Amen. 8 “I am the Alpha and the Omega,” says the Lord God, “the one who is and was and is coming, the Almighty.”

9 I, John, your brother who shares with you in the hardship, kingdom, and endurance that we have in Jesus, was on the island called Patmos because of the word of God and my witness about Jesus. 10 I was in a Spirit-inspired trance on the Lord’s day, and I heard behind me a loud voice that sounded like a trumpet. 11 It said, “Write down on a scroll whatever you see, and send it to the seven churches: to Ephesus, Smyrna, Pergamum, Thyatira, Sardis, Philadelphia, and Laodicea.”

12 I turned to see who was speaking to me, and when I turned, I saw seven oil lamps burning on top of seven gold stands.13 In the middle of the lampstands I saw someone who looked like the Human One. He wore a robe that stretched down to his feet, and he had a gold sash around his chest. 14 His head and hair were white as white wool—like snow—and his eyes were like a fiery flame. 15 His feet were like fine brass that has been purified in a furnace, and his voice sounded like rushing water.16 He held seven stars in his right hand, and from his mouth came a sharp, two-edged sword. His appearance was like the sun shining with all its power.

17 When I saw him, I fell at his feet like a dead man. But he put his right hand on me and said, “Don’t be afraid. I’m the first and the last, 18 and the living one. I was dead, but look! Now I’m alive forever and always. I have the keys of Death and the Grave.19 So write down what you have seen, both the scene now before you and the things that are about to unfold after this. 20 As for the mystery of the seven stars that you saw in my right hand and the seven gold lampstands, here is what they mean: the seven stars are the angels of the seven churches, and the seven lampstands are the seven churches.

**emphasis added by the author.

Overflow: When tears become words

I am raw and broken.
I am a boat tossed in the sea.
Waterlogged and splitting, falling
apart as fiber after fiber
comes undone.

I can't continue, not without losing
the essence of who I am.
What do I do?
Do I surrender to the process?
Do I let myself be unmade in the
hope of being remade in a more
complete and whole way?
What do I do when what I thought
was my purpose is
no longer my purpose?

We talk about our desire to be
real, authentic, intentional.
But what do we do when the realness
is too much, when the unpolished
and ugliness of real overwhelms our persons?

Real requires time spent with the
pain and unpleasant as well as the
joyous and thought-provoking.
Real see the dissonances within living.
But what do we do when Real gets
too real?

I want to pull the mask up.
I want to pull away from Real.
Because...
Real is hard.
Real is brokenness.
Real is raw.

a memorial and thankfulness

Today marks one year since I started treatment for my Graves' Disease. Since that day in Seattle, Washington, I have gone through a lot of changes. Physical changes like my thyroid levels normalizing, the thyroid eye disease going into remission, and losing 75% of the weight I had gained over the course of my year from hell. Psychosocial changes like climbing out of the deep pit of depression and anxiety that the disease had brought, being aware of the fragility of life, pursuing my friends once again, and discovering that I am a creative and metaphorical woman. There are so many other ways that I have grown and changed in the last 365 days and I just know there will continue to be more and more changes as I continue on the road to full physical, mental, and spiritual health.

At Legacy this morning, Brant talked about making memorials, physical reminders of where I have been and what God has brought me through. So here is a little something that I wrote about my year from hell this evening.

I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made!
It is because of you that I can praise you today!
You alone are the reason I can sing and dance!
You walked with me, holding my hand until I couldn't walk anymore.
And when I crumbled to the ground, unable to take another step,
you picked me up and carried me through the worst of the desert storm.
You carried me whispering that you had me and to rest in your arms.
You didn't leave me in the desert with the wind howling,
the dust swirling about, and the thunder and lightening hovering overhead.
No, you didn't leave me.
You lovingly took me in your arms, pressed my head to your chest,
whispered, "I've got you. Rest now." and started walking,
while the storm raged on.

insecurities and Truth

I am in a weird mood. What is going on with me? I hear C&S talking about having more kids and B&D about starting a family soon. What about me? I sometimes feel forgotten. I’m the single one. The single daughter who really isn’t independent. The one with the medical drama. The one who is good with taking care of the kids. The one who is wishy-washy. The one who is a freak. The one who talks big but has a small follow-through. That’s who my insecurities say I am. 

Yet I am not those things. I am not forgotten. I have a niece who calls me Dee and Dah and best friend. I am a responsible, independent daughter who has learned to ask for help when needed. I am the one with an incredible story of how God uses medical complications for good. I am like Jesus saying let the children come to me. I am open to change, I am not stuck in my ways. I am unique, unforgettable, irresistible, and irreplaceable. I talk through the confusion in my head and through it, I am able to take the baby steps towards real, long-term change. I am not my insecurities. I am not my fear. I am not enslaved by my past. I am forgiven and washed pure. I am the king’s daughter. I am pursued. I am a kingdom woman, I have a kingdom purpose. I am here because God has created me for a specific role that nobody else can fill. 

"God knit you together in your mother’s womb and created you in His very own image. He refers to you, as His masterpiece. The Creator’s greatest creation. Pause for a moment and let that sink in.
For those reasons alone, your value is intrinsic and irrevocable.
It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or what’s been done to you. It doesn’t matter how dark of a past you might have or how broken you may be.
Your value cannot be damaged, destroyed or even diminished.
So please, let the Truth scream louder than the lies."

~ Nick Martin

I am not my insecurity.

potty-training and persevering

Do you ever feel like all of your hard work is for nothing? My mom and I have had several experiences of that today between a macbook and potty-training.

Maybe how we react to those situations that interrupt our lives reveals what our faith is like. Maybe if our foundation is strong, instead of getting discouraged and giving up, we would get up and try again, trusting that God is in control. Perseverance is hard work! And sometimes it seems like a near impossible task! Between distractions and lack of focus, it is really easy to wander off and give up. Yet when we are in communication with God, he will give us the strength and focus to persevere through the tough stuff.

starbucks and amen

I love Starbucks. I love walking in the door and feeling like I've walked into one of my good friend's house. Maybe part of this feeling is that I go to Starbucks a lot. Its a place of differing things. It's a place where I am both productive and procrastinator; where I am introspective and outgoing; where I am, in the truest sense of the word, me.

A while ago, I decided that I didn't like always getting the same drink every single time I went to Starbucks. So I started asking for a surprise drink, or a barista's choice. It's like an adventure in a cup. A little surprise party to celebrate another day alive.

Today while at Starbucks, I was writing in my prayer journal, getting ready to end my journal entry. I suddenly remembered a conversation that I had in my Bible study group earlier this week. It was about the meaning of "Amen."

A good way I heard it explained is that Amen is basically what Mary said to the angel after he came and told her that she was going to have a baby.

And Mary said,  

   Yes, I see it all now:
   I'm the Lord's maid, ready to serve.
   Let it be with me
   just as you say. 

Then the angel left her. 

                                    ~  Luke 1:38 (The Message) (Emphasis added by blogger)

That is what Amen means. That means a whole lot more than just a single word to end a prayer or a word to show your agreement with what's being said. It's so much more of a commitment to say, "Let it be with me just as you say."

Abba, I pray that I would be like Mary. Let it be with me just as you say.

Real Community

I normally have a specific format for this blog and don't ever just give a shout out to another blog. However I feel that sometimes its important to break a "rule" for the better of everyone here. So here it is!

The blog is called Real Community and the purpose of it is to encourage, "people to come together to glorify God through community. We want to address the false idea that people have to go through life by themselves. We want to come alongside people in their struggles and use that to deepen our relationship with Christ." I really encourage each of you to take a look at it.

God, I just want to lift up Real Community and the bloggers who write on it. Use them to cause a revolution of what being a Christ-follower looks like, to form a worldwide community full of real people who don't have everything figured out.

do-overs and perfect timing

Have you ever wanted a do-over in life? A chance to go back and change a specific part of your life; to take that one risk that you have forever since wished you had; to do that one thing that you regret not doing; to not make the decision that you wish you had not made? I know I have wished there were do-overs in life. For one, it would make decision making a lot less stressful. I mean, if the decision you made turned out differently than you thought it would, you could just do-over the decision. But if there were do-overs, then what would force us to grow in our relationships with friends and more importantly, God?

This summer, I've been doing a lot of soul searching. Have you ever had those time periods in your life? The times where you just want to sit around and contemplate the deep stuff in life; when you figure out what your purpose in life is? That's what I've been doing lately.

So much has happened since I graduated from high school, not just events that have happened like my sister getting married or my niece being born but deep stuff about the very essence of who I am. That summer before I started college seems so far away now. If somebody had told me then that where I am today is where I would be going into my junior year, I doubt I would have believed them. And yet here I am in the summer before my junior year. The same person yet intricately different because of the decisions that I have made.

The person that I am today is a result of making the decisions that I have made. The growth that I have seen in my relationships is because of those decisions and their impact on my relationships. How can I wish for a do-over when that do-over would change every single part of my life? How can I not trust that God is in control?

What if I had figured out what I want to major in before I started college. If I had, then I would be at a different school; I wouldn't have gained the friends that I have; and most of all, I wouldn't be the God-follower that I am today. God knew that for me to have the relationship that I have with him today, I had to go to the school that I did and make the decisions that I made. What I'm trying to say, is that God's timing is absolutely perfect.

God, help me to remember, especially in the times that I wish I could have a do-over, that you are in control and that your timing is perfect. Help me to trust that your plan for my life is the best possible plan. And give me the patience to wait for your leading.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
                                            ~ Jeremiah 29:11

clay and trust

Did you ever read any of the Choose Your Own Adventure books? I used to love reading books like them. I think it was the fact that I could have do-overs. If I didn't like the ending, I could just go back in the story and redo it choosing something else that time. Wouldn't it be nice if we had something like that in real life. Like a machine that would let you go see what your life would have been like if you had chosen the other option. I guess that would just create a lot of depressed people wishing that they could go back and change their minds. Yet the second we start wishing for a redo, we're basically telling God that we don't trust him to work out all the kinks in our lives. That God can't take the not-so-great choices we've made and make something good out of it. If a potter can smooth out all the wrinkles and lumps and bumps and rough edges, and have it turn out as a masterpiece; and if God is considered the Master Potter, then I choose to trust that he can work it out. He can take my wrinkly, lumpy, rough edged life and make it into a masterpiece that reflects the Potter.

Jesus, I give you my life. Take it and make it new. I trust you to make it a masterpiece to glorify You, the Master Potter.

"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going to work, and walking-around life - and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out."  ~ Romans 12:1-2