Overflow: When tears become words

I am raw and broken.
I am a boat tossed in the sea.
Waterlogged and splitting, falling
apart as fiber after fiber
comes undone.

I can't continue, not without losing
the essence of who I am.
What do I do?
Do I surrender to the process?
Do I let myself be unmade in the
hope of being remade in a more
complete and whole way?
What do I do when what I thought
was my purpose is
no longer my purpose?

We talk about our desire to be
real, authentic, intentional.
But what do we do when the realness
is too much, when the unpolished
and ugliness of real overwhelms our persons?

Real requires time spent with the
pain and unpleasant as well as the
joyous and thought-provoking.
Real see the dissonances within living.
But what do we do when Real gets
too real?

I want to pull the mask up.
I want to pull away from Real.
Because...
Real is hard.
Real is brokenness.
Real is raw.

blogging and God's awesomeness, part 2

It has once again been a long time since I wrote. It's not that I don't want to write, because I do. I'll think of something that I want to share with you that happened that day and what it made me think about. But when I sit down to write, the words don't come. I fought this at first; its hard to have something that you want to share but not be able to share it.

So here I am, actually writing for the first time in over two months. In my last post, I realized that I had become so focused on my glory that I lost sight of God's glory with this blog. I have done a lot of soul searching since then, trying to figure out whether my time as a blogger was finished, learning what my talents are.

I honestly believe that this blog is my service for God right now. It's my way of sharing what I am learning about God and my relationship with him. My mission field per say. Just like missionaries need breaks to not become burnt out and lose their focus, I needed the same. There has been so much hard stuff going on in my life recently that I had burnt out and lost my focus.

I'm not sure when I'll write again. I know that this is not the end of this blog, in fact, I would say it is a beginning of sorts, a beginning of honest talks, with no BS allowed.

Abba, I want to keep my eyes on Jesus, through the easy times and the hard times. I know I've messed up. I looked away and just as Peter started sinking when he doubted his ability to walk in the steps of his Rabbi (walk on water), I started sinking. I'm grabbing your hand, Jesus, I need you. In your name I pray, Amen.

do-overs and perfect timing

Have you ever wanted a do-over in life? A chance to go back and change a specific part of your life; to take that one risk that you have forever since wished you had; to do that one thing that you regret not doing; to not make the decision that you wish you had not made? I know I have wished there were do-overs in life. For one, it would make decision making a lot less stressful. I mean, if the decision you made turned out differently than you thought it would, you could just do-over the decision. But if there were do-overs, then what would force us to grow in our relationships with friends and more importantly, God?

This summer, I've been doing a lot of soul searching. Have you ever had those time periods in your life? The times where you just want to sit around and contemplate the deep stuff in life; when you figure out what your purpose in life is? That's what I've been doing lately.

So much has happened since I graduated from high school, not just events that have happened like my sister getting married or my niece being born but deep stuff about the very essence of who I am. That summer before I started college seems so far away now. If somebody had told me then that where I am today is where I would be going into my junior year, I doubt I would have believed them. And yet here I am in the summer before my junior year. The same person yet intricately different because of the decisions that I have made.

The person that I am today is a result of making the decisions that I have made. The growth that I have seen in my relationships is because of those decisions and their impact on my relationships. How can I wish for a do-over when that do-over would change every single part of my life? How can I not trust that God is in control?

What if I had figured out what I want to major in before I started college. If I had, then I would be at a different school; I wouldn't have gained the friends that I have; and most of all, I wouldn't be the God-follower that I am today. God knew that for me to have the relationship that I have with him today, I had to go to the school that I did and make the decisions that I made. What I'm trying to say, is that God's timing is absolutely perfect.

God, help me to remember, especially in the times that I wish I could have a do-over, that you are in control and that your timing is perfect. Help me to trust that your plan for my life is the best possible plan. And give me the patience to wait for your leading.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
                                            ~ Jeremiah 29:11

power and surrender

I think God is trying to tell me something. There is this certain phrase that keeps coming up again and again in songs. Have you ever experienced that? The hard part is that I don't know what to do about it. The thing that I originally thought it was about, I wouldn't be able to do until two summers from now (2012) and somehow I don't think that is what God has in mind. I guess in a way I'm nervous about what His plan is. I have this inkling that I'm going to have a period of struggle and surrender with Him. Why is it so difficult to surrender completely to God. Is it the idea of giving up control and power? If so, what is so thrilling about having that power and control? I was talking this semester with one of my good guy friends, we shall call him Rhys, about this. One thing that he said that has stuck with me is that for him, its the desire to have influence in people's lives - for people listen to him and do what he asks. But how much more influence could he have if he surrendered that power and control to God. I mean think of Jesus! He had surrendered completely to his Father and look at the power that he was able to use for the glory of his Father (the miracles). Maybe I'm just rambling on and I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm still not sure what total and complete surrender of every part of my life looks like and I'm still not sure what God wants me to do with what he's telling me but I do know that I desire to surrender to Him and to follow his plan.

Here I am, Lord send me. I'll go where you send me.