a memorial and thankfulness

Today marks one year since I started treatment for my Graves' Disease. Since that day in Seattle, Washington, I have gone through a lot of changes. Physical changes like my thyroid levels normalizing, the thyroid eye disease going into remission, and losing 75% of the weight I had gained over the course of my year from hell. Psychosocial changes like climbing out of the deep pit of depression and anxiety that the disease had brought, being aware of the fragility of life, pursuing my friends once again, and discovering that I am a creative and metaphorical woman. There are so many other ways that I have grown and changed in the last 365 days and I just know there will continue to be more and more changes as I continue on the road to full physical, mental, and spiritual health.

At Legacy this morning, Brant talked about making memorials, physical reminders of where I have been and what God has brought me through. So here is a little something that I wrote about my year from hell this evening.

I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made!
It is because of you that I can praise you today!
You alone are the reason I can sing and dance!
You walked with me, holding my hand until I couldn't walk anymore.
And when I crumbled to the ground, unable to take another step,
you picked me up and carried me through the worst of the desert storm.
You carried me whispering that you had me and to rest in your arms.
You didn't leave me in the desert with the wind howling,
the dust swirling about, and the thunder and lightening hovering overhead.
No, you didn't leave me.
You lovingly took me in your arms, pressed my head to your chest,
whispered, "I've got you. Rest now." and started walking,
while the storm raged on.

wellness and excuses

Almost four weeks ago, my mom and I were in a three car accident (we were the middle car). Since then I have had a lot of back and neck pain and so I've started going to a chiropractor in order to get some relief. I know I don't want to deal with this pain for the rest of my life.

Now, I don't bring this up because I want to get pity or attention about my accident but rather because I realized something recently that goes along with it really well. A talk at the Annex  several weeks ago was titled "What Do You Really Want" and it was based on John 5:1-8 (I suggest listening to the talk which you can find here). It made me think a lot about what I would say if Jesus were to come up to me tomorrow and ask me, "Do you want to get well?"

I've had a lot of medical issues in my life and so I have an inkling of what the man from the Bible passage has gone through. If Jesus were to ask me if I wanted to get well, I wouldn't hesitate for a second! I would shout a loud resounding YES! Taking the pain and horribleness (yes, that is a word...at least it is in my dictionary) that goes with it would make life so much better. With my back pain right now, I would shout a loud YES if Jesus were to ask me.

So why, when Bill angled the same exact question towards mental/spiritual/emotional sickness such as partying, eating disorders, etc, did I pause? Why is it so much more difficult to want to be well from sin than to be well from physical pain? Isn't that just a different kind of sickness, the heart kind? Why is it that we continually come up with excuses for not immediately saying yes? Look at the man in the passage, he has an excuse. Do we come up with reasons why we don't want to not be physically sick anymore? "Oh well actually I don't want you to make this flu go away. I mean, the puking is good practice for something... like being pregnant some day" I mean really, who even does that?? And yet each of us, including me for sure, make excuses of why we have to hold onto our sicknesses - our partying, our raunchy movies/music/tv/magazines, our gossiping, our jealousy, our little white lies. Life can be.  so.  much.  better.

Jesus, I need to want to get well. I know I can't get to that point of actually wanting it without you. Help me to stop giving excuses for why I can't get well. And Jesus, just as I wouldn't hesitate at all if you were to ask me if I wanted to get well from my back pain, help me to have the same kind of response when you ask me if I want to get well from my heart sickness, a loud resounding YES!