deja vu and seeing hope

To those that actually read this, I am truly sorry for not writing in nearly two and a half months. As horrible of an excuse as it is, my life has gotten crazy. My life has been turned upside down. Well, not literally but metaphorically. At the beginning of this semester, I was stressed but doing well. Sure, I didn't have everything figured out but I knew sort of what I was going to be doing for the next year or two. I even had been thinking about long term plans (very loose version of "plan"). I had finally found a major that I was passionate about even if meant having to transfer schools in the future. I had found a place to live with amazing girls and even figured out how to pay the bills when finances got tight. My relationships with my friends, my sorority little sisters, my family, and God were going good. I was purposefully pursuing my friends. Everything was going great. Then, I got thrown a curveball. The plans that I had once again got knocked to the ground. It felt like I was having a repeat of my high school medical saga.

My sophomore year of high school, I got really sick and couldn't go to school. I spent my days sitting on the couch watching movies or reading books, just trying to get my mind of the pain. I went to doctor after doctor, hoping that one of them would diagnose me and get me better. And doctor after doctor had no idea what I had. Because I couldn't get to school because my pain was so bad, I was homebound and finished the fall semester by doing the bare minimum for each class through a tutor that came to the house. Finally right before Christmas, a doctor diagnosed me with Celiac Disease. That New Years was the first gluten-free holiday for me. I ended up having to withdraw from school in the Spring because my immune system was completely shot and I was catching every cold that I was exposed to. You would think that would be enough and I could go back to being a regular high school student. But nope. I got sick again my junior year. This time, I was able to stay in school but it was really tough going through it.

The last week of October (2010), was when my world got flipped. I suddenly went from walking three - four miles a day to not being able to walk for two minutes without getting out of breath, and just completely and utterly exhausted. At first, I tried to just tough it out. That worked for about a week. Then the insomnia came along with my constant hunger and extreme mood swings. After that, I went to the doctor. Unfortunately he didn't know what was wrong with me but just did a lot of blood tests. To me, it felt like high school all over again, once again in the pit of despair.

Last Friday, I was finally diagnosed with Graves Disease. I'm not going to go into detail about what it is. I'll let you read about that if you choose to. Graves Disease is an autoimmune disorder where the immune system attacks the thyroid causing hyperthyroidism (too much thyroid hormone in the body).

I'm not well yet. I'm still a hyper insomniac who eats all the time. But I have hope, even if its not much at this point. I've noticed that it's really difficult to write about seeing God working in my life when I can't see past the huge mess of my medical issues. Earlier in the semester at the Annex, Bill talked about how God is painting color in our bland black,gray,and white lives; how God is painting hope in our bleak, drama-filled lives. I'm not going to lie, I'm going to be real. I've had a hard time seeing that color. There are days, that I don't want to do anything but mope about my house. And yet God keeps painting more color into my life through friends, Bible verses, songs, and so many other things. Even the fact that I have the focus to write this blog post is a blessing right now. From this point on, I'm going to look for the color, I'm going to focus on the positives and not the negatives, I'm going to look at the glass half full instead of half empty, I'm going to focus on the fact that God has been with me even in this dark time in my life.

May you see the color that God is painting in your life. May you choose to be a woman or man that doesn't drag their friends down with them but instead encourages them and brings light into their lives. May you always know that God will never, ever leave you. He'll be there painting hope into your life.

"In the same way I was with Moses, I'll be with you. I won't give up on you; I won't leave you." ~ Joshua 1:5 (The Message)

"Strength! Courage! Don't be timid; don't get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take." ~ Joshua 1:9 (The Message)