remembering

One year ago today, the world stood in solidarity as we all experienced the horror that was the Sandy Hook Massacre.

One year ago, we struggled to find a way to express the pain and heartache that filled our hearts as the news came that twenty of the twenty-six people were kiddos.

How do we stand in the tension between horrific events such as Sandy Hook or Columbine or most recently Arapahoe High School in Centennial, CO? How do we express our heartache for tragedies that impact communities so much like our own? How do we move on from these events in a way that acknowledges what happened yet doesn't dwell in the past?

It seems like we have a tendency to sweep horrific events under the rug, to medicate them away with reality TV, sporting events, facebook, or food. We take to Twitter with posts of horror along with hashtags of solidarity. We take to Facebook with our posts about the tragedy and an analysis of why it occurred. And once we have taken our two seconds of social media silence, we are back to our posts about what food we're eating and giving our opinion about the current Twitter-argument between two celebrities. 

The thing is, tragedy doesn't end in two seconds. 

The horror doesn't dissipate in two seconds. 

It lives on in the lives of each person affected by the tragedy. It lives in the eyes and memories of each survivor. And it resurfaces each time there is another tragedy. 

Two seconds is not enough for me.

It reminds me of the Advent season that we are in. Advent is a time of waiting for the arrival of the Messiah, of sitting in the uncomfortable place of "not yet." It is about acknowledging that something or someone is missing and knowing that it is coming. 

And so, I acknowledge each person who is missing this day, who tragically lost their lives for an unknown reason. Because two seconds of silence is not enough.

In memory of the twenty-seven women and children of Sandy Hook, but most especially for the children whose faces and names will forever be in my heart.

Rachel, Lauren, Victoria, Dawn, Mary, Nancy,

Charlotte

Madeleine

James

Caroline

Daniel

Photos via CNN, collage made by blogger

Dylan

Grace

Jessica

Olivia

Catherine

Emilie

Avielle

Josephine

Chase

Jack

Benjamin

Ana

Jesse

Noah

Allison

a memorial and thankfulness

Today marks one year since I started treatment for my Graves' Disease. Since that day in Seattle, Washington, I have gone through a lot of changes. Physical changes like my thyroid levels normalizing, the thyroid eye disease going into remission, and losing 75% of the weight I had gained over the course of my year from hell. Psychosocial changes like climbing out of the deep pit of depression and anxiety that the disease had brought, being aware of the fragility of life, pursuing my friends once again, and discovering that I am a creative and metaphorical woman. There are so many other ways that I have grown and changed in the last 365 days and I just know there will continue to be more and more changes as I continue on the road to full physical, mental, and spiritual health.

At Legacy this morning, Brant talked about making memorials, physical reminders of where I have been and what God has brought me through. So here is a little something that I wrote about my year from hell this evening.

I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made!
It is because of you that I can praise you today!
You alone are the reason I can sing and dance!
You walked with me, holding my hand until I couldn't walk anymore.
And when I crumbled to the ground, unable to take another step,
you picked me up and carried me through the worst of the desert storm.
You carried me whispering that you had me and to rest in your arms.
You didn't leave me in the desert with the wind howling,
the dust swirling about, and the thunder and lightening hovering overhead.
No, you didn't leave me.
You lovingly took me in your arms, pressed my head to your chest,
whispered, "I've got you. Rest now." and started walking,
while the storm raged on.

itineraries and life-plans

This coming summer, my little sister, BJ, and I are going to Europe for nearly 4 weeks. This Christmas, my mom and dad got us a book called, Rick Steve's Europe Through the Back Door: The Travel Skills Handbook 2011. It's all about traveling in Europe by going off the beaten path to experience Europe as a local. As my mom puts it, she created monsters of us with it. We have been constantly reading it since we opened our gifts. Now, before reading this book, BJ and I were planning on just going to Europe and not having an itinerary of any kind, that way we could go where we wanted to and not feel restricted by our itinerary. But then I read this:

"If you have any goals at all for your trip, make an itinerary. I never start a trip without having every day planned out. Your reaction may be, "Hey, won't my spontaneity and freedom suffer?" Not necessarily. Although I always begin a trip with a well-thought-out plan, I maintain my flexibility and make plenty of changes....With the help of an itinerary, you can lay out your goals, maximize their potential, avoid regrettable changes...and impress your friends." (Steves 68)

This got me thinking about how an itinerary is like a goal-specific mini life-plan: they both help a person set goals for the future, have the ability to take care of the necessary details for each step, and get the best experience by taking the worries and stress out of life/trips.

Now, if you have read any of my previous posts, you may have gotten the feeling that I am not a big fan of life-plans. In fact, you could probably say that before this weekend, I was completely disgusted with life-plans or anything that resembled a life-plan. You could also say that I had been burned...by a life-plan.

When I was nine years old, I decided what I wanted to be, a nurse. From then on, I planned my life from that decision. Everything from what to be when my sisters and I played dress up to what classes to take in high school and where to go to college. On my fifteenth birthday, my family moved from Oregon to Colorado. Now for a insecure teenager just having started high school in the town she had lived in nearly all her life, that was the hardest move ever. I went to two high schools that year, ate lunch in a bathroom stall the first day, and adamantly decided that I was going to move back to Oregon as soon as I could, which meant for college. I was determined to dislike Colorado: it was too cold, too windy, too hot, and just plain too sunny! And to top it all off, it snowed...a lot!

Junior year: take Med Prep class through the nearby community college to prepare me for nursing school. When senior year came around, my parents decided to have me take an aptitude test from Johnson O'Conner Research Foundation (JOCRF) just to "make sure" that nursing was what I really wanted to do and what would be the best for me to pursue. So I'm sitting in the office of JOCRF, waiting for the proctor to explain my results. She comes in, sits down, opens up my result folder, looks at me then at my parents, and proceeds to tell me that with my aptitudes, nursing is not the best option for me. It was a life-changing moment. The moment that I heard her say that, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was free! I didn't have to be a nurse! Then, I realized that my plan of going to a college in Oregon or Washington for nursing then living in Oregon/Washington for the rest of my life with my husband and kids and visiting Colorado as rarely as possible was not going to happen. In a few moments, with only a few words, one woman had completely knocked my life-plan out. KO. In the weeks that followed, I decided that life-plans were horrible because things just messed them up and then what was the point in having a plan if it didn't work out. I was burned by my life-plan.

What I realized with Rick Steves' book is that a life-plan is just a well-planned, well-thought-out rough guide to a journey. It's not something that is stagnant and doesn't roll with the punches. It is always changing, not letting the unexpected knock it down.

Abba, I ask that you lead my new life-plan. Help me to roll with the punches and see that even if something happens that completely throws off my plan, you are there guiding me. I ask that you be my ultimate life-plan, that every goal that I have on my plan comes from You. Give me the serenity to remain in You in every part of my life including my hopes and dreams.


"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

a tribute to one of my best friends

My little sister graduates from high school tomorrow. I can't believe that she's done with high school and is going to be leaving for college in just a few short months. Now normally I have a format for each post but this one is going to be different. This one is a tribute to my beautiful little sister.

BJ, I don't really remember when you were born, most of my memories of when you were really young are from pictures. You were without a doubt one of the most rollypolly babies I've ever seen. Even when you were four and five, you still had a lot of baby fat. In my little seven year old brain, I was positive  that you were going to be rolly polly BJ for the rest of your life. I couldn't have been more wrong. :)

Some of my greatest memories growing up are playing with you - although there are a good number of memories when you were just the annoying little one. Things like playing barbies until way past our bedtime and making giant Lego houses that took up five of the large Lego boards. Or working on our "river" by the swing, making it a little better each summer. Staying up all night just talking about life and boys and how tired we were.

I've seen you transform from when you were the shy, quiet girl that started your first day ever of school outside of homeschooling to the confident, silly, accomplished young woman that you are today. When everyone else saw the "invisible" girl mask that you wore, I got to see glimpses of the silliness that was hidden inside. The last four years have been an amazing journey with you. I'm so proud of you and I brag about you all the time - you can ask any one of my friends. Your talent with writing and ceramics makes me speechless and I can't wait to see what you do in college. One of the greatest things is seeing your relationship with Jesus grow. It is such a blessing to be here to encourage you, keep you accountable, and completely love you as not only a blood sister but an eternal sister. Remember BJ, you are the daughter of The King, which makes you a princess forever. You no longer have to dream about it, you are a true princess with a beauty that is not just an outside beauty but an inner beauty as well.  Jesus is the one who you can depend on always, he will never let you fall. Pour your heart out to him, give him your all, little one, and he will use you to do great things. I can't wait to see where he takes you on this journey of life.

Your hard work and dedication have paid off, little sister. You graduate tomorrow as the outstanding senior in the Art Department, a valedictorian with a GPA above 4.0, and several really great scholarships to the school of your dreams. I want you to know that no matter what you do or don't do in college, I will always love you and be here for you. Even when distance separates us, I am only a phone call away.


"The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength."
                                                        ~ Deuteronomy 6:4-5

Jesus, I lift up my little sister to you; use her for your glory. I pray that she will learn what it means to completely surrender everything to you; to depend on you always, not just when its easy but each and every day. Help her to be a reflection of you, give her the love to treat everyone with love.