07 August 2011

the desert and declarations

Have you ever felt like you were alone, wandering through a lonely desert, unsure of where you're going or what your purpose is there? Have you ever felt like no matter how loud you shouted, nobody could hear you?

I have struggled a lot with feeling like that since the sickness started. So many times I have felt that not one person understood what I was dealing with. Oh sure they could read about it and understand in a small way but nobody had gone through what I was going through. I felt so very alone.

I feel like I woke up one day in the middle of a wide expansive desert, not a tree in sight nor any body of water. All I could see was dry, cracked earth reaching as far as the eye could see. I didn't have any idea how I got there or why I was there; all I knew was that I was supposed to walk and keep walking until I could somehow escape the desert. It was a very silent area - no people, no cars, no city noises, no animals, nothing except for me and the hard, cracked dirt. I couldn't call out for help, it might bring unspoken danger. I couldn't rest, if I did, then I might die for lack of wanting to get up again.

I don't know how to get out of my desert. Elle, my counselor, compared my desert to the Israelites' 40 years wandering  in the desert. Their desert was a time of cleansing, of getting rid of the impurities in the characters of each person. What was left at the end of the 40 years was a group who had faith, a faith that had endured through 40 years of wandering and waiting. I'm not sure what the purpose of my desert is. Maybe it is to purify my character, to get rid of the impurities. Or maybe it has a whole other purpose that I can't see yet. But maybe its not about knowing what the purpose is. Maybe its about being open to God's work in you, in your character, your desires, your thoughts.

"In the same way I was with Moses, I'll be with you. I won't give up on youI won't leave you." ~ Joshua 1:5 (The Message)


Abba, I feel alone in my desert. It feels like you have given up on me, that you have left me. Thank you for reminding me that you are with me. You didn't leave Moses or the Israelites and you won't leave me. Help me to remember, when the lies that I am all alone are crowding in, that you have declared that you will never leave me. As you wish.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Kaitlin! First off I want to say that it's so cool that you blog every now and again and that I really appreciate your posts whatever they may be about.

    Though I don't even know what your struggling with physically, and even if I did, I would really "know it" as you were saying because I have never personally experienced it. However I can guarantee you that you are not alone and that you are not fighting this battle by yourself. While I was reading that post it reminded me of some friends of mine, one of whom is named Michal Cooling, she went through extremely difficult times physically, mentally and emotionally. She was near death in her condition and in constant pain, unable to take care of herself and barely move for a period of several years. She has since recovered from her illness and has grown through it so much spiritually, especially in her reliance on God. She's not the only one I know that battle similar things, there are two others that have gone through extremely difficult health situations, one of them is still battling Rheumatoid Arthritis. These people said the exact same thing to me and to others that you are saying now. Wondering why God was putting them through the trials he was. Each of them has grown so much through their weaknesses and I know you will also. I am reminded of 2 Corinthians 12:9-10:
    "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

    Stick with it, keep praying, remain in Christ. Your an inspiration to many whether you see it or not, keep that in mind. ;)

    ~Terek Campbell

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