personality, epiphanies, and the church

I took the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator for the first time when I was about 10 years old. I’m not sure that researchers have studied the accuracy of the test for children but whatever the case, I remember getting ESFJ.

Fast-forward about ten years, and I took it for the second time. By this time, I knew more about the test itself and had some ideas about my personality; or at least, I knew that the first letter referred to either extraversion or introversion. By this age, I was aware that people were extremely important to me and I figured this meant that I was an extravert. Back to the MBTI, the second time I scored as an ENFP. This time, I read the description and felt it moderately described what I knew of my personality; it was not a perfect fit but it was pretty close.

Then this weekend happened.

It all started with this hobby of mine. You see, I like to understand people. I like to understand what makes people tick: why this person responds in this way and that person responds in that way. I enjoy reading different articles and books about personality psychology because it helps me better understand the people in my context. However, this weekend, my hobby took me to uncharted territory.

I found an article on Huffington Post about introversion. I have a number of friends who identify as introverts so I enjoy reading about introversion to help me understand their experience of life. Well, it was going fine and dandy until I had an epiphany. The person that the article was describing with these classic signs of introversion was uncomfortably similar to myself. 

Could I be an introvert?

So, I did what any good scientist would do and went back to the beginning of the article and read it closely analyzing each trait that was mentioned while frantically wracking my brain for experiences in my life to both prove and disprove each sign. I got to the end of the article and realized the shocking news: I mostly likely was an introvert.

How could I have lived my entire life without knowing this rather large detail about myself? How could I be a self-proclaimed people person and be an introvert? Surely, I was mistaken.

I spent the next 48 hours poring over different articles on introversion and extraversion, tentatively asking my very close friends for their opinions on the idea, and reflecting on past experiences in my life. At some point during that time, I decided to try something with the MBTI: I took it for the third time. This time I got INFP. Again, I read the description; only this time, it was like having someone hold up a mirror to my face. I was reading about myself!

Somewhere between seeing that mirror and having a couple friends exclaim that they had seen me as an introvert already that I accepted the truth: I was and am an introvert. This is both freeing and scary. I’m in uncharted territory. It’s like I’ve been painting the canvas of life with what I thought to be the color fire engine red only to discover that I’ve been painting with robin’s egg blue this whole time.

In one of my classes, Global Christian Heritage II, we have spent a lot of time talking about sacraments, worship style, and spiritual practices throughout our Christian history. We debate various methods of evangelism and the complications of imperial Christianity in other countries.

This week, as I live my life for the first time as a conscious introvert, I am struck by how much extraversion is rewarded in Christianity. We affirm the communal aspects of life so much that the private aspects of our faith are pushed to the margins. We push community groups; we invite people to meet-and-greet during worship services; we play music that is highly stimulating with drums and electric guitars; we honor the friendly, energetic volunteer in front of the congregation. These tasks all reward the extravert.

Where in our faith do we leave space for introverts? Where are the quiet times in our services? How are we supporting the diversity of personalities in our brothers and sisters?

My epiphany this weekend about my own introversion has raised a lot of questions that I hope to explore further as I grow in my understanding of my self. I also see a need for the Church regarding this. Maybe I can help create that space and recognition that introverts matter in the Church.

*This post was originally written for a reflection for a Practicum class. 

the desert and declarations

Have you ever felt like you were alone, wandering through a lonely desert, unsure of where you're going or what your purpose is there? Have you ever felt like no matter how loud you shouted, nobody could hear you?

I have struggled a lot with feeling like that since the sickness started. So many times I have felt that not one person understood what I was dealing with. Oh sure they could read about it and understand in a small way but nobody had gone through what I was going through. I felt so very alone.

I feel like I woke up one day in the middle of a wide expansive desert, not a tree in sight nor any body of water. All I could see was dry, cracked earth reaching as far as the eye could see. I didn't have any idea how I got there or why I was there; all I knew was that I was supposed to walk and keep walking until I could somehow escape the desert. It was a very silent area - no people, no cars, no city noises, no animals, nothing except for me and the hard, cracked dirt. I couldn't call out for help, it might bring unspoken danger. I couldn't rest, if I did, then I might die for lack of wanting to get up again.

I don't know how to get out of my desert. Elle, my counselor, compared my desert to the Israelites' 40 years wandering  in the desert. Their desert was a time of cleansing, of getting rid of the impurities in the characters of each person. What was left at the end of the 40 years was a group who had faith, a faith that had endured through 40 years of wandering and waiting. I'm not sure what the purpose of my desert is. Maybe it is to purify my character, to get rid of the impurities. Or maybe it has a whole other purpose that I can't see yet. But maybe its not about knowing what the purpose is. Maybe its about being open to God's work in you, in your character, your desires, your thoughts.

"In the same way I was with Moses, I'll be with you. I won't give up on you; I won't leave you." ~ Joshua 1:5 (The Message)


Abba, I feel alone in my desert. It feels like you have given up on me, that you have left me. Thank you for reminding me that you are with me. You didn't leave Moses or the Israelites and you won't leave me. Help me to remember, when the lies that I am all alone are crowding in, that you have declared that you will never leave me. As you wish.

seeing and acceptance

So I'm going to share some really personal details about my romantic relationships (love life, boys, any other similar term) or lack thereof. I have had one boyfriend. That's it. I've never had any friends with benefits, or one night stands or made out with a random stranger or anything else that is like that. That's not to say that I haven't had my fair share of crushes. :) Honestly, most of the time, I am completely okay with being the single gal. Sometimes though, it can be hard.

Recently, I've seen a good number of my friends start dating, either another friend or somebody else. And even though I am super happy for each of them, at the same time it brings up a lot of my issues of self-worth. Sometimes all I want is for one solid, fantastic man to see me for all that I am and realize that I am perfect for him, just the way I am. Then tonight, I was thinking about that and I realized something.

There is somebody who sees me and wants me just as I am. In the first chapter of John, verse 47 and 48 the author (John) writes about when Jesus calls Philip and Nathanael. Listen to this, "When Jesus saw Nathanael approaching, he said of him, 'Here truly is an Israelite in whom there is no deceit.' 'How do you know me?' Nathanael asked. Jesus answered, 'I saw you while you were still under the fig tree before Philip called you.'" At first glance, this may seem like its not a big deal, however if we skip over it, we miss something important. My bible study leader, J, put it this way. When Jesus said to Nathanael "I saw you while you were still under the fig tree," its like he's saying, "I see you. I know every little thing that you do, especially the little things that nobody else notices. I appreciate you for those things. I accept you just as I see you."

He's saying that to you and me right now. He wants us to come to him when we're hurting, when we're scared, when we're feeling under-appreciated, when we are feeling alone, when we feel like nobody understands us, when it seems like our world is falling apart, when we've met someone special, when we are wanting to be loved for who we are, when we want to be seen. 

[your name here] said, "Where did you get that idea? You don't know me."

Jesus answered, "One day, long before Philip called you here, I saw you under the fig tree." ~ John 1:48 The Message (Emphasis added by blogger)

dining halls and acceptance

CU just opened a new dining hall called, the Center for Community or C4C for short. Just as all new things gain popularity for their novelty, it has become the popular place to eat; and for good reason. Unlike all the other dining halls, C4C has many different food options from Italian, to Persian, to Asian and that's just the start of what they offer. They also offer one other addition, people. Hoards of people all wanting to eat at the NEW dining hall with more options and debatably better food. Whether good or bad, it makes for a crowded and noisy mealtime during the peak hours.

So a couple weeks ago, instead of rushing over to the C4C for lunch, my friend and I ventured to Libby, the former 2nd best dining hall on campus. It was very much the opposite of the C4C. Instead of lines of loud, rambunctious people and the noises of the employees drowned out by the happy chatter of students, there was the low hum of the dining hall employees going about their duties and the very quiet clatter of dishes interspersed with very quiet talking. Libby, especially when compared to last year, was deserted; unwanted.

Have you ever felt unwanted? Like nobody could ever love you? Like nobody would ever want to spend time just being WITH YOU? I have. I've even felt that way more than once! Maybe its a situation where you've felt traded in for a new best friend or new boyfriend or girlfriend. Or maybe you are ashamed of something you did and because of that nobody would ever want you. Or maybe its a situation completely unlike either one of those.

But that is NEVER the case. There is someone who wants to be WITH YOU; who wants you just as you are, not the newest and latest edition; who loves you no matter what you may have done. 


In Revelation 3:20 Jesus says, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." He's there, waiting at your heart's door wanting to come in and make your life better to take your pain and heal your wounds of rejection and unworthiness, to fill the emptiness in your heart with joy, and to fill your heart so full with love that it spills over onto others.


One of the pieces that Dana, ADX's devotional chair, shared with us (ADX) goes right along with this:

"I know you through and through. I know everything about you. The very hairs of your head I have numbered. Nothing in your life is unimportant to Me. I have followed you through the years, and I have always loved you – even in your wanderings. I know every one of your problems. I know your needs and your worries. And yes, I know all your sins. But I tell you again that I love you – not for what you have or haven’t done – I love you for you, for the beauty and dignity My Father gave you by creating you in His own image.

I know what is in your heart – I know your loneliness and all your hurts – the rejections, the judgments, the humiliations, I carried it all before you. And I carried it all for you, so you might share My strength and victory. I know especially your need for love – how you are thirsting to be loved and cherished. But how often have you thirsted in vain, by seeking that love selfishly, striving to fill the emptiness inside you with passing pleasures – with the even greater emptiness of sin. Do you thirst for love? "Come to Me all you who thirst…" (Jn. 7: 37). I will satisfy you and fill you. Do you thirst to be cherished? I cherish you more than you can imagine – to the point of dying on a cross for you."

God, I'm answering my heart's door. I choose to invite you in, to be cherished, to be loved, and to be healed. That is my desire: to be with you just as you desire to be with me. Thank you for loving me, every part of me including the ugly parts.