A reflection on I AM

This week at church, we are starting a new series on Revelation. At the service tonight, Pastor Blake asked us to reflect on the first chapter (which I've included below) and to listen to what the Spirit was highlighting and drawing our attention to. This is what came from that time.


I AM who was, is, and is coming.

I AM the Human One.
I AM the one who loves you.
I AM the warrior who has freed you.
I AM passion and peace, fire and water.

Do not fear, for I AM
with you forever and always.

You are no longer like a dead woman.
In me, you are alive: you have life.
So do not be afraid.

I have looked fear in the face.
Look, I am alive - fear did not win!
I have the keys of Death and the Grave.
Do not be afraid.

Listen to my voice of peace:
I am the one who was, and is, and is to come.

Revelation 1**

A revelation of Jesus Christ, which God gave him to show his servants what must soon take place. Christ made it known by sending it through his angel to his servant John, 2 who bore witness to the word of God and to the witness of Jesus Christ, including all that John saw. 3 Favored is the one who reads the words of this prophecy out loud, and favored are those who listen to it being read, and keep what is written in it, for the time is near.

4 John, to the seven churches that are in Asia:
Grace and peace to you from the one who is and was and is coming, and from the seven spirits that are before God’s throne,5 and from Jesus Christ—the faithful witness, the firstborn from among the dead, and the ruler of the kings of the earth.
To the one who loves us and freed us from our sins by his blood, 6 who made us a kingdom, priests to his God and Father—to him be glory and power forever and always. Amen.

7 Look, he is coming with the clouds! Every eye will see him, including those who pierced him, and all the tribes of the earth will mourn because of him. This is so. Amen. 8 “I am the Alpha and the Omega,” says the Lord God, “the one who is and was and is coming, the Almighty.”

9 I, John, your brother who shares with you in the hardship, kingdom, and endurance that we have in Jesus, was on the island called Patmos because of the word of God and my witness about Jesus. 10 I was in a Spirit-inspired trance on the Lord’s day, and I heard behind me a loud voice that sounded like a trumpet. 11 It said, “Write down on a scroll whatever you see, and send it to the seven churches: to Ephesus, Smyrna, Pergamum, Thyatira, Sardis, Philadelphia, and Laodicea.”

12 I turned to see who was speaking to me, and when I turned, I saw seven oil lamps burning on top of seven gold stands.13 In the middle of the lampstands I saw someone who looked like the Human One. He wore a robe that stretched down to his feet, and he had a gold sash around his chest. 14 His head and hair were white as white wool—like snow—and his eyes were like a fiery flame. 15 His feet were like fine brass that has been purified in a furnace, and his voice sounded like rushing water.16 He held seven stars in his right hand, and from his mouth came a sharp, two-edged sword. His appearance was like the sun shining with all its power.

17 When I saw him, I fell at his feet like a dead man. But he put his right hand on me and said, “Don’t be afraid. I’m the first and the last, 18 and the living one. I was dead, but look! Now I’m alive forever and always. I have the keys of Death and the Grave.19 So write down what you have seen, both the scene now before you and the things that are about to unfold after this. 20 As for the mystery of the seven stars that you saw in my right hand and the seven gold lampstands, here is what they mean: the seven stars are the angels of the seven churches, and the seven lampstands are the seven churches.

**emphasis added by the author.

quarters, buckets, and playing the victim

Today I turned 24 years old.

Now, I know, some people may say that I am really young still while others would feel like I am quite old.

And I think I would agree with both.

There are parts of me that feels quite young; there are so many things that I have never experienced. Yet at the same time, I've been through experiences that I don't think any 20-something plans on going through.

So, here I am feeling both old and young at the same time. But that was not the goal and that means I've once again become distracted (it happens more often than I would like to admit).

I am 364 days from being half a century old. And there are so many things that I want to do yet I sit and complain about how I can't do anything because of my past illnesses. When someone asks why I haven't traveled outside of the US like I claim I want to, I use my illnesses as an excuse.

Why do I do that? 

Why do I make myself the victim to my life experiences?

Why do I put myself in the passive position of not having control in my life? 

I'm not sure of the answer to those questions. But maybe it's not about having the answers to every question. I'm choosing to not sit and ponder those questions. I'm choosing to act.

Which leads me to my announcement. Today, October 16, 2013, marks the first day of my new quest to be active in my own life and not let my illnesses continue to hold me down.

I'm calling it Quarters In A Bucket.

My short-term goal is to accomplish as many items on my bucket list as possible before I turn 25.
Long-term, my goal is to change my habit of inaction and excuses into a habit of action and freedom.

Here is to a year of change, action, and freedom.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. - Galatians 5:1(NIV)

insecurities and Truth

I am in a weird mood. What is going on with me? I hear C&S talking about having more kids and B&D about starting a family soon. What about me? I sometimes feel forgotten. I’m the single one. The single daughter who really isn’t independent. The one with the medical drama. The one who is good with taking care of the kids. The one who is wishy-washy. The one who is a freak. The one who talks big but has a small follow-through. That’s who my insecurities say I am. 

Yet I am not those things. I am not forgotten. I have a niece who calls me Dee and Dah and best friend. I am a responsible, independent daughter who has learned to ask for help when needed. I am the one with an incredible story of how God uses medical complications for good. I am like Jesus saying let the children come to me. I am open to change, I am not stuck in my ways. I am unique, unforgettable, irresistible, and irreplaceable. I talk through the confusion in my head and through it, I am able to take the baby steps towards real, long-term change. I am not my insecurities. I am not my fear. I am not enslaved by my past. I am forgiven and washed pure. I am the king’s daughter. I am pursued. I am a kingdom woman, I have a kingdom purpose. I am here because God has created me for a specific role that nobody else can fill. 

"God knit you together in your mother’s womb and created you in His very own image. He refers to you, as His masterpiece. The Creator’s greatest creation. Pause for a moment and let that sink in.
For those reasons alone, your value is intrinsic and irrevocable.
It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or what’s been done to you. It doesn’t matter how dark of a past you might have or how broken you may be.
Your value cannot be damaged, destroyed or even diminished.
So please, let the Truth scream louder than the lies."

~ Nick Martin

I am not my insecurity.

an illustration and God's best

I was given this by one of my wonderful sisters and I thought I would share it. It's such a good illustration of what God wants for us, genuine beauty.

The Pearl Necklace: Author Unknown 

A cheerful girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them: a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box. "Oh please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, Mommy, please!"
Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl's upturned face. "A dollar ninety-five. That's almost $2.00. If you really want them, I'll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday's only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from grandma."
As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she went to the neighbor and asked if she could pick dandelions for ten cents. On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace.
Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown up. She wore them everywhere--Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had abubble bath. Mother said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green.
Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story. One night when he finished the story, he asked Jenny, "Do you love me?"
"Oh yes, Daddy. You know that I love you."
"Then give me your pearls."
"Oh, Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess-- the white horse from my collection. The one with the pink tail. Remember, Daddy? The one you gave me. She's my favorite."
"That's okay, Honey. Daddy loves you. Good night." And he brushed her cheek with a kiss.
About a week later, after the story time, Jenny's daddy asked again, "Do you love me?"
" Daddy, you know I love you."
"Then give me your pearls."
"Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my babydoll. The brand new one I got for my birthday. She is so beautiful and you can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper."
"That's okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves you." And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.
A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed Indian-style. As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek. "What is it, Jenny? What's the matter?"
Jenny didn't say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And, when she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. With a little quiver, she finally said, "Here, Daddy. It's for you."
With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny's kind daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime-store necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a strand of beautiful genuine pearls. He had had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so he could give her genuine treasure.

What imitations are we holding onto that stops us from receiving God's genuine treasures?

May you be like the little girl and be able to let go of what we hold closest to your heart. May you experience the joy that comes with letting go and receiving God's treasures.

Abba, I pray that I would  not continue to hold on to the imitations in my life. Help me to remember that you have the absolute best for me and it's worth the sacrifice of surrendering my all to you.

facebook and freedom

I was cleaning out my laptop hard drive and came across a Facebook conversation with one of my friends from last summer. The thing that struck me was how much I've changed. Since my illness, I've been stuck in fear. I started going to a counselor and I realized that I have a fear of failure. And yet, only 12 months ago, I had a completely different perspective.

Here's my part of the Facebook conversation:

"...failure has another definition: an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success. that kind of failure, in my opinion, is a better kind of failure. because at least with that kind, you TRIED; you took a risk at something you enjoyed/were passionate about"

I want to be set free from this debilitating fear of failure and rejection. I want to believe that even if I fail, taking a risk is worth it. I want to have the courage to try, fail, and get up and try again.

So here's my declaration for everyone to hear (technically read).
I,  Katlin, am not going to be stuck in fear. Christ has already set me free, he set me free the minute I accepted him. I will NOT let this fear keep me from living of a life of freedom. I am choosing to take control of the freedom that God has given me and hold on to that. I am free!

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." ~ Galatians 5:1